Sunday, June 12, 2016

Five Hundred Days

It has been 500 hundred days since Tom died.  When we started this cancer journey two years ago, we were told that the average survival time with his disease was 3 years (about 1000 days).  I remember thinking, as we were waiting for results of one test or another "we'll know in 10 days, oh--that's 1% of the time we have left together".  It puts each day into perspective when you have a countdown clock.  I don't count the days anymore  (well, with the exception of the ones that end in 00).  But I find the perspective of what a day is in a life to be profound. Alas, he did not have 1,000 days, he only had 200, just 20% of the time on the countdown clock.  I still feel like I waste days, just recovering from this loss, days that I will never get back.  But there is such value in those days too.  One might look at it as saying the further I get from the loss of Tom, the closer I get to being reunited with him.  Well, yes, that's true.  But there is going to be a whole lot of living going on between now and then.

This week I accepted an offer on one of Tom's drums kits.  It wasn't his favorite kit.  He had been talking about selling it before.  I've been trying to sell this kit for a six months.  I guess it wasn't to be.  Of course, its not a sale until the money is in my hot little hands.  It made me sad when I accepted the offer, even though I KNOW it is what needs to happen.  But his sound will go on.  I also signed and received all of the paperwork for my trust, along with a will, power of attorney, etc.  I now have about 15 more tasks added to my to do list.  This being a responsible adult is a lot of work.

So how am I doing at 500 days?  At some point during the first year I was asked to think about my emerging self.  (Emerging self, I thought.  What?)  After careful consideration, there were three things that I identified that I wanted in my life:
1. To lead a spirit-led and spirit-filled life
2. To be lean, fit, and healthy
3. To have love in my life.

1. Tom's death has led to a profound spiritual awakening for me.  I am just beginning to tap into things that I never thought possible for me.  I am redefining what higher power means to me.  I still can't explain it.  These are things that most likely would not have happened otherwise.  But I have come to live in the moment and not be fearful of the future (well, most of the time anyway).  I am more comfortable and secure in having faith.  My track record for surviving difficult things is 100%.  I'm pretty sure I will be surviving this also.  I am excited to see where this path will take me.

2.  I am making progress here, slow, slow progress.  But it is forward motion.  I've done a lot of self care over the last four months.  I've done all of the required wellness checks and endured a bit of a "scare".  I will be having eye surgery this summer.  Yes, I truly have my mother's eyes.  And I am seeing a naturopath since my allopathic physicians cannot explain or treat the fatigue that doesn't end.  I will get there, I am making the changes necessary, even when I don't want to.  Forward progress

3.  I have love in my life.  I have a loving family that I am spending more time with and growing closer to.  We are a blended family, but no one could tell that if they saw us together.  They are such a blessing.  I have a lot of loving friends, who have walked this journey with me.  And I have Zora--the epitome of unconditional love.  There is not a romantic love in my life.  I know that someday there will be, when the time is right.  When the very best of me is available to give.  Right now the very best of me is still mourning Tom and healing.  I waited a long time for Tom and he was worth every minute of the wait.  So I know that when it is time, it will be.  And I can wait.  And it will be worth it for whomever it is that is waiting for me.

Yes, I am making forward progress.  I still have much to figure out and make decisions about.  The future is mine to choose and create as I heal.  I am in a good head space today.  I'm going to enjoy it.

3 comments:

  1. Beautiful. Adulting is overrated, isn't it?! Thank you for writing this ... walking along side you, with love.

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  2. Excellent, and heartwarming to see your forward motion. I know the road ahead will be new and mostly wondrous. And you are loved along the way.

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  3. I admire the grace of your baby steps...

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