Stepping Out

I must say that I've felt, not stuck, but stagnant, lately.  I've been moving through death duties.  I've been selling some of Tom's things, giving others away to family and friends, and donating things.  I've been very good at living in the moment and not worrying too much about the future.  But here's the thing, I feel like I want to see some forward progress.  And recently I've thought that perhaps I should take some action to move forward.  The problem is, I don't know what it is I want to do, or should do, or am supposed to do.  Throw me a bone here, Universe!  How about a clue?  Its not like my brain is working at its regular capacity. 

Like many, I look for those big AWESOME signs, for big AWESOME direction.  Yeah, that's not happening.  But here is what does happen when you ask the Universe for some help.  Little tiny baby step clues.  So subtle that if you aren't paying attention you miss it.  And here's what happened.

Lately I've been thinking about Phoenix, our nan-sun conure that we brought home the year after we married.  I miss him.  I had donated his big cage last summer (almost a year after he was gone), but I kept forgetting to take his travel cage for donation.  And on Monday I had things to take for donation and remembered to put the cage in the car for donation.  Except when I got to Goodwill, the truck was full and I couldn't leave anything.  And that was also the case at the other donation sites.  Then yesterday I was scrolling through Facebook in the afternoon (not something I am usually doing in the afternoon) and there is post from the Marin Humane Society that they have a 20 year old conure who needs a new home.  His family is moving and can't take him with them.  And he is really unhappy and depressed.  The average life span of a conure is about 25 years.  Phoenix was 19 when he died from a cancerous tumor on his wing.  This bird, known as Big Bird now, is about a year younger than Feenie.  I had thought of getting another conure but wasn't sure a 25 year commitment is something I could face.  But this guy, I can do that.  So I went to see him immediately.  He seems sweet, but was withdrawn (as I would expect).  I came home and talked to Zora about it.  She was not Phoenix's biggest fan, mainly because he was so loud.  I expect that this guy will be too once he is settled in.  But his personality seems, as least at this early stage, similar to Zora's.  After sleeping on it, I decided to adopt him and he will be coming home within the next 24 hours. 

This is stepping out for me.  Opening my heart to another being that needs love and attention.  This guy is grieving the loss of his family and I most certainly understand grieving.  This is the first major decision I've made since Tom has been gone.  It is my first step into my new life.  And I have to say, I am a bit nervous about it.  I have a feeling that Phoenix and Tom had a hand in leading me to him.  Its a tiny little baby step, but it feels like a huge leap.

So Big Bird has a new home.  But first order of business is to get him a new name.  I just don't think Big Bird fits him.