Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The Waiting Room

I've heard this term before in regard to widowhood.  One meaning is that the surviving spouse is just waiting to die to be with their departed loved one.  For me it has a different meaning.  I feel like I am waiting to get better, to feel better, to start to live my life again.  I've made it through all of the firsts, and am into the second year.  But for everyone else around me, their lives have gone on.  They have new jobs, new homes, new relationships, adventures.  And me.  I am just waiting.  Waiting to feel better, to reclaim the energy and vitality that mourning has taken from me.  I have little extra energy to engage in life.

I am in an intensive recovery period.  Physically I am doing some of things that are necessary to recover--regular massage, acupuncture, getting enough sleep, but there is a lot more that I need to do--nutrition, exercise.  Emotionally I do what I can--regular meetings with my grief counselor, social meetings with other widows, I definitely feel my feelings.  I feel them all over the place.  They are generally not pretty.  I am seeing the beginnings of re-entry.  I am able to work, but not at the intensity that I've always been able to.  And I can at least engage in some sort of social life with my friends, limited though it may be.  I still have many death duties to complete, mainly dispersing of Tom's personal effects.  However, I fall short of doing what I think I need to be doing.  Some days the best I can do is just wait.

Last week I read about Sheryl Sandberg's commencement address.  She told the story of how her friend Phil stepped in to help with her children after her husband died.  When she cried that she wanted her husband, he said that wasn't an option and this was plan B.  And he said "Let's kick the shit out of Plan B".  I like that.

I plan to kick the shit out of Plan B.  As soon as I figure out what it is.

5 comments:

  1. Bless you, Beth. You are walking this path with such grace and dignity. I know your new life will begin, and yes, for now we are kicking the shit out of Plan B.

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  2. Bless you, Beth. You are walking this path with such grace and dignity. I know your new life will begin, and yes, for now we are kicking the shit out of Plan B.

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  3. I have never heard of the waiting room. I found myself shaking my head, yes - yes - yes. The mind says many things but putting them into action is entirely different. Bless you always.

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  4. I thought of you ,as I often do, when I watched Sheryl's commencement address. You are doing an amazing job kicking the shit out of your plan B even if it doesn't feel like it at times. Love you lots! ~ Lisa

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