Secondary Losses

It's Mother's Day, a day when we all honor our mothers and those who have been like a mother to us. This is the fourth Mother's Day without my mom. I miss her, particularly these past two years as Tom waged his battle against cancer, and ultimately left this earth. I've longed to have her just tell me that it would be alright.

But this day also brings up secondary losses for me. You see, I am not a mother and this day is a reminder on how I fall short in our society. It isn't that we didn't want to be parents, we were unable to. It was a long, brutal painful process, going through fertility testing and treatment only to be unsuccessful. At the end of that portion of the journey (my father was dying during one of our unsuccessful attempts at IVF and I was unable to travel to be with him during his last days because of it). We ultimately decided not to adopt, after exploring our options. I came to terms (or so I thought) with the hand that we were dealt. We made our family with fur and feathers. The wound healed, but left a scar that still hurts when pressed upon.

When Tom first died I thought "thank goodness that we don't have children so I do not have to keep going to care for them. How difficult that would be." A very selfish thought, I admit. But I did keep going because of my little fur-ball Zora.

But now, it is another loss replayed. I do not have children in whom to see the best part of Tom live on. There is no one to carry on his legacy. No one to say about, "he's acting just like his father" or "your dad would be so proud of you". It is realizing that there is no one into whose eyes to peer and see the reflection of the man I loved. That is a loss to me, but I also think it is a loss to the world, for the very best of Tom was a blessing to those he touched.

I was very fortunate to be able to spend today with my brother, sister-in-law, and niece. We had a wonderful lunch and hung out. My oldest great-nephew's girlfriend made bath salts with a cheerful Happy Mother's Day tag to give to his grandmother (my sister-in-law), his aunt (my niece, who also does not have children) and me. It was the most touching single act of kindness I have ever received on this day. I am grateful.

Sometimes we do not see the secondary losses coming. I certainly wasn't expecting it today. I thought I had put this issue to rest years ago. Days like today remind me once more of the depth of my loss.