It happened again. Sitting here working and someone knocked at the door. I realized Kona would not be looking at the door with his ears perked to see what was up. That was it for me . . . a run outside to walk up and down the street where I walked him those last few weeks. Looking at the “present” he had deposited in the dark and I hadn’t picked up. It is all that is left of him on this earth and the rain is washing it away. Coming in side and screaming at the top of my lungs for him. Laying on the floor where he died trying to absorb his energy. Wondering why I didn’t remember earlier to go to the Humane Society where they took him (I was in Canada when he died and my husband had to deal with having his body taken away for cremation) so I could at least say good-bye to him, to hug him one last time, to kiss him. When I left on Thursday morning I was running late for the airport and he had not come down stairs. I didn’t go back upstairs to say good bye. I just lifted my eyes in his direction and said “Good-bye Kona. Be a good boy today. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.” I never got to see him tomorrow afternoon. Or ever again. My heart hurts. I can’t breathe. Time moves so slowly. Its cold outside but I have the window open and the fan blowing on me to get air. Last night I awoke from a sound sleep at 2 am in a blind panic. I came downstairs, took some rescue remedy and went back to bed. Telling Kona good night. Rescue Remedy is my friend. It helps calm the panic. I miss him so very much.
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