The Photographic Journey Part Three

Four weeks can go by so slowly when you are waiting for something you want.  My wedding anniversary was approaching and I was hoping to get at least the images in my wedding dress in time for my anniversary. I was anxiously checking my email awaiting notification that the images were ready.  And then on a Saturday evening, the email arrived.  Heidi had told me to look at the images on the biggest screen available and to not review them on my phone.  I found it interesting that I was nervous about looking at them.  I was afraid I would be disappointed, that these fabulous photographers would somehow fail when it came to making me look good.  I put off looking at the images.  I made myself a lovely dinner.  Then I figured out a way to hook my laptop up to my television.  It was time for the reveal. The first image came up.  Wait, what?  Who is that?  That couldn't possibly be me.  Wow.  I continued to scroll through the images, amazed at each one.  And then this photo appeared.

It took my breath away.  It was amazing!  It so clearly conveyed a story, the story I wanted to tell, of love and loss and beauty and grief and memories and beauty within tragedy and power.  It was all of those things and more.  I was stunned.  And I was stunned that I could use the word stunning about any image of me.  I scrolled through the images again, and again and again.  I went to bed with so many thoughts running around in my head.  I woke up the next morning and looked at them all again.  Do I really look like that?

Or this?

Or this?

Who is this person?

I certainly wasn't disappointed in the images,  I was awestruck. The outsides look fabulous.  But what I really noticed is that these pictures reflected my insides, my spirit.  I could see me, different sides of me, different looks of me.  When I look at the series of selfies I've taken, they all look alike--same head tilt, same smile, same angle.  I edit the picture that I put forth to the world.  We all do, we see ourselves as one dimensional when we self-edit.  We criticize everything we don't like about ourselves and nit pick every imperfection in each of our photos.  In an unusual twist, these photographers do not give you all of the proofs to look  at then choose the ones that you like for further editing.  They make the selection, do the editing and then send them on to you.  It is a scary thing to put one's trust in others to choose, it limits one's ability to self edit and reinforce the self perception that one puts out into the world.  But I put my trust into the process and I wasn't disappointed.  As a photographer I know that when I review images after a shoot, there are ones that grab my attention and those are the ones I focus on.  It was an act of faith to let the control go.  And it was very freeing because it took the responsibility off of me to decide.

About a week later I shared my photos and the story in the FB widows' group that I have been a part of for almost five years.  I received lots of compliments but that really wasn't the point.  What struck me is how some women viewed themselves in such a negative light.  They, like many women, have negative self talk in their heads. They also have survived tragic and devastating loss which further impacts their self image.  It sparked something in me.  I'm not sure exactly what to do with the thoughts.  One thing I do know, the process of going through the first two shoots has been transformative.

And there are two more to go.

Photo Credit: In Her Image Photography