Figuratively and literally, Tom broke my heart when he died.
In the last four months I have had two aFib episodes which did not resolve without medical intervention. It is not lost on me that the first one was the night before our wedding anniversary (and a few weeks before his birthday) and that the second one was four days before his angelversary. I do not believe these are coincidences. The body never forgets, it keeps score. And while the emotional charge surrounding these events is not a strong as it was the first two years, evidently the somatic memory still carries power. So I've done a lot of work to recover from this loss and my body is betraying me. $#*! This is not what I had intended. In some ways the aFib has spurred me on to take better care of myself, which I have. I've done everything that I can to change the dynamic but it is a long slow process with small increments of success and some setbacks (like these stupid aFib episodes).
Having heart stuff is scary. After the first episode in September I had a full cardiac work-up which revealed I'm in good shape, no cardiac disease. But in the midst of feeling bad, it feels like I'll never feel better again. It would be so easy to let fear and worry and this disorder run my life. But I refuse. I will not live on medications that sap my energy and zest for life. I watched my mom's doctor's throw medicine at her and the impact it had. It took my intervention to get her off of the ones that were unnecessary and to change the doses to ones that were appropriate for her, not just what the protocol said. Whenever I deal with the medical system, I feel like I have to arm myself for battle. I had to do that for Tom. Now I have to do it for me for there is no one else to do. It is exhausting, particularly when not feeling well. I miss that about a partnership, someone having your back and to fight the fight when you're weary. Actually, there are a lot of things I miss about a partnership. I was a happily married woman until cancer stole my husband.
I am committed to building an awesome life and doing things that I love and give my life meaning. No little ole irregular heartbeat is going to stop me from doing so. I sound brave, bold and badass. I didn't sound that way yesterday in the Emergency Room.
You are brave, bold and badass. Just saying. Like you the somatic effect is oh, so tiring. You've got this and as usual, you put things into words so eloquently!
ReplyDeleteYou are brave and badass, especially when you are vulnerable and continue on. That's the time is is the hardest, when the path is dim and uncharted. You are not alone, though.
ReplyDeleteYou are brave and bold, Beth. I have been admiring your courage and zest for life that I see in your posts. We are all entitle to mini pity parties when we get socked with something. You just pick yourself up and dust yourself off when it happens. You go girl.
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