This is My Life Now

This morning as I was putzing around the kitchen the thought came to me.  "This is my life now."  And for the first time, there was no weeping and gnashing of teeth about it.  There was no fight against the reality, no resistance.  There was nothing but simple acceptance, a surrender of sorts. 

So what does "this is my life now" mean?  It means I am now the solo driving force of my future.  Everything, and I mean everything, depends upon me. I am the only one in charge of what my life  will be.  It sucks.  And I accept it.  I don't like it one little bit.  I've been in this position before, in the years BT (before Tom).  I didn't like it much then either.  I loved being married.  There is a difference now though.  BT there was an emptiness in my soul, in my very being.  AT (after Tom) there is an emptiness but I'm not sure how to describe it.  My heart is still filled with our love and it will always be.  Love doesn't die.  There is definitely a hole in my daily life, the part of being a couple and doing daily life together.  I miss him terribly.  While it is always at the back of my mind, I do not constantly think about him. Since he died our friends and his friends have embraced me, reached out to me, included me in their lives, supported me.  We all were trying to hold on to our old life together.  And as time has gone on, we have all loosened the bond, as would be expected.  While I still want to hold on to my old life, I cannot.  I must release it so that I can build a new life.  Our friends and our memories will ALWAYS be a part of who I am, a very treasured part. And I'm not letting those precious people out of my life, just letting the relationships evolve and redefine themselves. The void I feel is that the our life together is no longer and my new life is not yet "here".  I'm in the hall between the two.  And I am not yet sure what the new life is going to be.  I am free to create that life, to expand my circle of friends and my experiences, to rediscover who I am and who I want to be.  It is exciting and scary and overwhelming.  I most likely have another three decades on this planet and I am not going to spend it being miserable!

Please do not think for a moment that I will not continue to talk about Tom.  His impact on my life and on the lives of others is huge and his memory will not fade or be erased.  I will still celebrate him, honor him, talk about him  and I hope that you will do the same.  He is very much a part of me and always will be.

I am emerging from two years of heavy mourning.  It has taken it toll on me, body, mind and spirit.  I have put everything I have into recovering from this.  It has been brutal.  But I am feeling like a butterfly emerging from the cocoon.  There are times I must rest and let my wings dry before I can fly again.  But I will fly again.  I will.

This is my life now.  And this is what I'm going to be.