Concrete Boots

WARNING:  Some of the content is a little out there for some.  I usually do not talk about my spiritual beliefs, but they have been vital in my mourning process.  If you are not in agreement with them, or are possibly offended by them, scroll on by.  Nothing you will say will change how I feel or "enlighten" me.  This is my personal opinion, please respect that.

It seems that every time I visit with my grief counselor I whine about how much I hate this "phase" of grief recovery--the mind numbing exhaustion that I can not force myself out of no matter what I try, the feeling of just barely surviving the days, trying to wait it out until every step does not feel like trudging through quicksand with concrete boots, the fear that there will never be joy in my life again.  Its not pretty.  The second year is incredibly hard, but in a very different way.

I really hate this. What I hate so much about it is that I have no control over it.  I can't think my way out of it, I can't work my way out of it, I can't eat my way out of it, I can't spend my way out of it, I can't force my way out of it, I can't act my way out of it.  Every coping mechanism that I've ever used doesn't work.  Its not that I'm not doing all of the right thing to move through the mourning period.  I go to one-on-one grief counseling.  I've done spousal loss bereavement groups (more than one).  I ask for help, I talk with other widows.  I write.  I try to be a productive member of society.  I try to participate in the lives of others without it all being about my loss.  Sometimes its not possible. I feel my feelings.  I am doing the best that I can.  But I hate it.  And I am trying to embrace it, for only in embracing the process, can I move through it. I must now live the antithesis of my personality, I must just be and let the process work me.

Having said all of that, I have come to realize that Tom will forever be a part of me.  It is not about letting him go, or getting over it.  His spirit is forever mingled with mine.  Our years together on this side of the veil have shaped who I am and who I will be.  And our years apart, with each on the opposite side of the veil, will also continue to define me.  I find myself talking about him more and think others are judging me about it.  Perhaps they are, perhaps they are not.  Most likely I am judging myself.  It seems that while we are physically apart, our spirits are more entwined. In some ways it feels like a way of reclaiming myself.  When people lose their spouse they may say that they've lost half of themselves.  I always felt like my own individual self and that self was still whole when Tom died. But I lost something, I lost the "us" part of me.  And now I am trying to redefine that.  Every single day I realize what is gone just a little bit more. Some days it is overwhelming. Bottom line is that we are together forever.  I found this meme a while ago and it really resonated with me.

Now when I say 'together forever" that does not rule out the possibility that I will have another loving relationship in the future.  And I'm not talking about any of that kinky threesome stuff either. Just as a parent's heart expands to love each additional child, I believe that our hearts can expand to love another without diminishing the love that we had/have for our departed spouses.  I hope to remain open to the possibility when the time is right. Last week I heard the song "Wherever You May Go" by The Calling when I was telling my hair stylist about a widower friend who had recently fallen in love again.  I had heard the song before but never really drilled down on the lyrics, I found them full of meaning.  I thought the timing prophetic.

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face

 

If a great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own?

 

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

 

When I hear this stanza I think of Tom wanting me to know that he wants me to be happy and to be open to a loving relationship, whenever that may be. And that he will be with me, wherever I will go.

 

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days

 

If a great wave shall fall
It'd fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

 

Tom has found several ways to let me know that he is still with me, that he is watching over me and guiding me through this time. He has been very persistent in making himself known.

 

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

I'll go wherever you will go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2xeaGFi2q0

Yes, his love and life will still go on, in my heart, in my mind,  he'll stay with me for all time.