Silence

Silence.

It is a rare and precious commodity.

We live in a world that is over-stimulated, over-caffinated and over the top. We have lost silence. It seems others believe that their need for noise--loud noise--is more important than an individual need for silence. Drive down the street and sit at a stop light with your car vibrating from the bass line of the monster speaker coming from the car next to you. If you are like me, trying to clear your head for the day ahead or from the day behind, good luck.

I think many are afraid of the silence. Because it means aloneness, or loneliness. Because it means you can hear yourself think. And that can be a scary proposition. The need for distraction is great. Multi-tasking. Reading with TV on (yes, I am guilty of that). The cell phone ringing. The dog barking. The bird screaming. OK--that's at my house.

Sound can be soothing, comforting, affirming. I can't go to sleep without Coast to Coast AM on the radio at night. I wonder why? Perhaps it is a buffer noise from the sound of the cars climbing the hill, or the banging of car doors as people come home late into the night. I live in an incredibly quiet place compared to my life in the big city, so the least amount of noise is amplified against the quiet of the valley. I've awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of deer fighting on the hill above our bedroom. The sound of antler on antler. I've also awaken to the sound of deer hooves on the driveway, as the deer snack on the yellow rose bush that is their idea of fine dining.

But silence, it is truly golden. I've spent this week-end at a silent retreat hosted at the Jesuit Retreat House outside of Barrington, IL. It is my 10th, 11th, or 12th time here, I'm not exactly sure, in the last 21 years. Yes I can go to a retreat closer to home. But not a silent retreat, on the subject matter that is important to me. Why would I fly 2000 miles and spend upwards of $700 all-in to come to this retreat? Silence. Because silence is so precious.

The retreat house is on spacious grounds just outside of Barrington, a suburb known for affluence and great big house lots. When you are on the grounds you cannot hear the traffic on Lake-Cook Road. You cannot hear any outside noise except the occasional train the must be south of the property. During the retreat, when you are not to talk to anyone and no one is supposed to talk to you, the peace and serenity are almost deafening. Yesterday, which was a beautiful fall day, I took a walk with my camera to photograph what must be spectacular grounds during the summer months. It was so quiet I could only hear the birds sing. No freeway traffic, no cars climbing the hills, no talking. The leaves have all fallen off of the trees so only the exquisite structure of the tree is visible. Dead leave crunch under your feet when you walk across the lawn. There is a small garden on the far side of the property that has trees which are now in their glory. It is the only fall color out there, except for green grass and a few purple morning glories that cling close to the chapel. In this garden is a statue of Mother Teresa. It is magical, with the color of the leaves around here. And it was such a nice change. Every Catholic property has dozens of statues of the Mother Mary, Jesus, and Joseph. This is the first one I've seen that wasn't of the holy family. As I sat there, photographing the statue and the leaves, I enjoyed a moment of contemplation and peace. I didn't have to worry about someone invading my space, distracting me from my thoughts. It was one of those rare moments when I could be in nature and just be.

The inside of the house, which was built in the early 20th century and renovated and added onto over the years, the only sound is that of people moving about. Going to retreat talks, sitting in the living room or library reading or staring out the window. On Saturday evening there is a fire in the fireplace and many gather around to stare into the flames. Being fortunate enough to have my own fireplace, I did not join them this year. I spent time in my room, alone with my thoughts.

So what is the purpose of silence? When I am silent I can hear myself think. And if I am really lucky and paying attention, I can hear God speak to me. I can find the direction I seek in my life. I can slow down and just be. No need to cook, the meals are prepared. No need to look at a clock because a bell rings to let you know when it is time for an activity. And I am relieved of the social pressure to communicate with others. Its OK to be introspective. It is expected. It is my gift to others and their gift to me.

The silence ends in 15 minutes. I do not want it to. I did not get everything I was hoping for this week-end. In the past I would come to this retreat with an agenda for a spiritual awakening. And I would work hard at it. I would look to read anything that might have "the answer", meditate hard to find "the answer". This year I am too darned tired to work that hard. I just showed up and listened. And I heard little snippets of what I needed. I just haven't processed it all.

I heard that I can't change situation of injustice in my firm. I need to learn to live with it, I cannot change it and do not have the energy to take it on. It means I need to find God's will in what I am to be doing and get the heck out of the way. I don't know how to do that yet. I hate injustice. It makes me angry and I don't know what to do with anger because I feel so helpless.

I also let down my professional facade and cried about my mother and her failing mental status. I am afraid. I want to do the right thing. I don't know what that is. I think I am ready for her to leave this earth when she is ready. Or at least I am ready to deal with it--I think. She is 90 years old. She has never wanted to be a burden. She has never wanted to be dependant. She is losing her cognitive ability. I realized that I am like both her and my brother in the way I have been dealing with it--denial and optimism. There is no happy ending here. It isn't going to get better.

And there is more, much more, that will become apparent later. As the retreat master said, when it come to God's will, you never know it looking forward, only backwards. And I know when I am in alignment with God's will, things happen easily. There is no struggle. I need to keep remembering that.

So silence. It is a balm that allows me to open up. It is the key to unlock my thoughts. It is powerful. So very, very powerful. And I think I have gotten what I was supposed to get this weekend. I just want more of it, faster, better, clearer, in a dramatic and very big way. Oops--I received the message in a tiny little voice that I could only get if I shut the heck up and listened.

It is worth the trip. It has helped to restore my soul. Quietly.