The Photographic Journey Part One

Transformation comes from the darnedest places in the most unexpected ways.  Sometime in August I had a niggling idea to do a utilitarian photo shoot.  I needed a new head shot.  And I needed some decent photos to enter the online dating world.  Selfies only take you so far.

May 2019

June 2018 before Widow Sister Wedding

April 2019

So I decided I would do it, and the idea started to expand.  I wanted to showcase who I was now.  How do I do that?  What things do I represent?  There is me, my motorcycle, my dog, my professional life and my casual side.  I researched photographers and found one that looked like a good fit.  I scheduled a date for the first shoot.  I shared about my idea on one of my FB widow's group.  One member reached out to her photography group and provided me a lead for two other local photographers who would be interested in working with me.  What started out as a pretty utilitarian idea started to morph into something else.  I realized it was a stretch to expect one photographer to accomplish all things.  I decided to reach out to different photographers, matching their best skills to what I envisioned.  One of the photographers that was referred to me from my FB widow sister happened to be in nearby Petaluma.  I checked out their website and was blown away at what I saw, their passion to help women find their inner Goddess.  I knew these were photographers with whom I wanted to work.  I also knew of a pet photographer that did amazing work.  And a friend who is finding her footing in photography and a motorcycle rider seems like a good fit for the motorcycle shoot.  An overall plan started to take shape.  And then it started to happen . . .

Self doubt.  So much self doubt.  The rationalization of why I would do this.  Its a lot of money to spend on a luxury.  And how vain is it to want to have pictures taken of you?  I had lots of good reasons to do this.  First of all, I've had a good year work wise and there is a little bit of extra money.  I needed a new headshot for business.  And then there's that whole dating thing, a thing that I find embarrassing to talk about it.  In my mind I believe everyone is wondering who would want to go out with me?  Who do I think I am to hope for a second great love in my life after having such a wonderful husband.  Shouldn't that be enough?  Oh, and I've lost about 14 stone over the last year and half (do the math on that one).  And let's not forget the piece de résistance--in the last five years I've survived Tom's diagnosis, illness, death, two cataract surgeries, numerous heart tests, two heart surgeries and constrictive pericarditis.  Wow.  A Lot. I survived.  Its not the typical milestone event like graduation, engagement, weddings, children, etc.  Widowhood is its own unique milestone and not one to be celebrated.  Surviving and thriving, perhaps.  Finally a good friend told me to stop justifying my desire to do it.  It wasn't necessary and I didn't need any one's permission.  That's why we have friends.  To state the obvious and push you in the direction you want to go.

The story started to change for me.  Besides the obvious reasons, I am in still in the place of rebuilding my life, trying to figure out who I am now and who I want to be.  And one of the keys to that, for me, is seeing myself through other people's eyes.  Which is not the same as seeking other people's approval or compliments.  We only see ourselves through the mirror or in photos.  In this age of selfies, we self edit what we put out into the world so that it is in alignment with how we see ourselves.  It can be very limiting to our self perception.

So the journey has begun.